My Life With Cicadas

I am completely and totally freaked out by all these cicadas. At first, it wasn’t too bad. You’d hear the sound, see a few exoskeletons lying around, and that was it. But in the past week or so, they’ve gone bonkers. Their activity has escalated to the level of Psycho Cicadas. They are everywhere. I spend more time indoors than I should. I rush from the house to the car, and car to the house (or store or wherever) trying to avoid confrontation. My modus operandi: keep my head down and avoid eye contact.

I wondered why I was so worked up about this – I’ve seen a lot of people just living their lives as if nothing unusual was happening all around them every single second of every single day. So I did a little history of My Life and the Cicada Cycle. Every 17 years, right?

2016 – The current year. Year of the Crazed Cicada.
1999 – I was living in east Tennessee.  No cicadas there.
1982 – I was living in south Florida. No cicadas there, either, though it must be noted that there were plenty of Palmetto Bugs. For the uninitiated, palmetto bugs are … well … think of a very large roach. That flies. However, these critters just go around minding their own business, unlike cicadas, whose purpose in life is to fly in a drunken stupor, bumping into my windshield and everything else that crosses their path. And some things that don’t cross their path.

1965 – I was living just outside of Philadelphia. No cicadas.

So there you have it. The reason I carry 26 grocery bags from the car to the house all at once is because THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE SEEN THESE THINGS! And I don’t want them to carry me away to the Cicada Land of Doom and Creepiness. Or even touch me.

The next time around, I’ll be 78. With the advances that are made in science and technology every day, my hope is that by then there will be spray-on cicada repellent, or even a phone app that keeps them far away. Or maybe I’ll be wiser and more mature and won’t care.

Naaahhhh.